I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
I do think funny is like sexy. You're either funny and sexy, or you're not.
England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.
For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
It's funny - there's nothing that stops you laughing like the sight of other people laughing about something else.
Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns. . . behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth. . . with braces on them.
When I was a graduate student, the leading spirits at Harvard were interested in the history of ideas.
Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says "7x9=63," because it will remind him of mother.
[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.
There are nice, funny, totally good-looking guys out there. You just have to know where to look…and apparently, where NOT to look.
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"
Let's start at 35 because I don't know where it is.