Top Dave Barry Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Dave Barry Biography

David McAlister Barry (born July 3, 1947) is a Pulitzer Prize-winning American author and columnist who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for the Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comic novels.

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Dave Barry Quotes

Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development.

American, Arrested, Depressing, Dream, Males, Men

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

Funny, God, Humorous, Party, Raise, Taxes

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.

Current, Current Events, Dog, Keep, Urgent, Yards

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Accidents, Factor, Falling In Love, Involving, Percent, Zero Gravity

I say we scrap the current system and replace it with a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of a list, and then you send some money to the person at the top of the list, and then you. . . Oh, wait, that is our current system.

Add, List, Names, Replace, System, Waiting

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.

Funny, Humorous, Italian, Millions, Open, Visitors

Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

Boards, Pilot, Pilots, Tank, Tanks, Wearing

The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.

Funny, Money, Running, Secretly, Traffic, Travel

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

Apiece, Class, Classes, People, Two

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

Doe, Grow, Involve, Kill, Nuclear, Weed

Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn't his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.

Funny, Iran, President, Scandal, Television

Several months ago, out of the blue, a company named "Cingular" started sending me bills. I had never heard of Cingular, and I honestly did not know what these bills were for, so I put them in the pile where I keep documents that I intend to scrutinize more carefully later on, after my death. Then I started seeing TV commercials for Cingular, but of course they did not make it clear what Cingular is, because the First Rule of Modern Advertising is: "Never reveal what you are advertising. "

Blue, Cingular, Firsts, Keep, Months, Tvs

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

Funny, Humorous, Like, Sexy, Snails

It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture.

Gesture, Gestures, May, Meaningless, Statistics

With humor you have so many options with topics and length, I mean I can write humor essays in books now and they can be as long as I want them to be.

Book, Essays, Mean, Options, Writing

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Afraid, Children, Dracula, Example, Fear, Tetanus

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Doubt, Party, Podiums, Prime, Sacrifice, Sacrifices

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

Accordance, Food, Funny, Hour, Humorous, Procedures

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

God, Piece, Said, Stupidity, Took, Years

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports.

Baby, Children, Control, Funny, Instinctive, Remote

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