A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's. . . um. . . well. . . I have five penises. " replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove. "
I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is asking for trouble. Most of them have had their boats sitting in their driveways long enough to be registered historical landmarks.
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.
I hate funerals and would not attend my own if it could be avoided
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to. . . if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
At the School of Visual Arts in New York, you can get your degree in Net art, which is really a fantastic way of thinking of theater in new ways.
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
America: It's like Britain, only with buttons.
And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield.
I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It connects you to the world in a new way.
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.
School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
Yes, Sept 11th was unfortunate
The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either.
Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.
If boys say something that's not funny, you don't have to laugh.