People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding. " Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.
Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it. "
It’s crazy. Since there have been men and women, there have been funny women. . . f**king idiot-ass men keep saying that women aren't funny. It makes me crazy. I find it disgusting and offensive every time.
I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.
Nostalgia: How long's that been around?
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so. . . yeah. '
The bigotry of the nonbeliever is for me nearly as funny as the bigotry of the believer.
Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.
Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
To say that war is madness is like saying that sex is madness: true enough, from the standpoint of a stateless eunuch, but merely a provocative epigram for those who must make their arrangements in the world as given.
I have flown twice over Mount St. Helens out on our West Coast. I'm not a scientist and I don't know the figures, but I have a suspicion that that one little mountain has probably released more sulfur dioxide into the atmosphere of the world than has been released in the last ten years of automobile driving or things of that kind that people are so concerned about.
The way my team are doing, we could get Wilt Chamberlain in a trade and find out that he's really two midgets Scotch-taped together.
When I started off in DC, you didn't get viral first. You got funny first.
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.
