Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
I dont spend much time on Twitter. I joined because I found it funny.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
Money by Martin Amis. I read it when I was 15, I read it hundreds of times since then and it always makes me laugh. Amis has managed to create a world that is both funny and abrasive. I'd love to play John Self, the depraved hero, who's without illusions, he created.
My primary responsibility is to be funny.
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?
The best feeling is watching a real football game, because the games they show in the movies aren't real.
How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge!
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.
Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
One of the most difficult speeches to prepare is an address to a graduation class, which is why I don't often do them.
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
Dad, one of my first memories is of sharing my worry with you about the space shuttle poking holes in the atmosphere and letting out all of Earth's air.
Funny songs, that’s my ticket. I can’t remember when it started or why it started, it’s just something that I NEEDED.
I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.
