My father used to beat me with his belt. . . while it was still on him.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
I don't understand how somebody wouldn't have a sense of humor about themselves.
We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
One of the reasons why I love to do Shakespeare is that this great artist was able to talk to a wide variety of audiences. He could do the bawdy plays and the humor and the clowns-as you know, because you're a wonderful Stephano-that speaks to the populace, the masses, the groundlings, whatever.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. . . . he didn't lose your number. . . . he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
I consider myself to have a decent sense of humor. What's life without a sense of humor?
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
In truth, politeness is artificial good humor, it covers the natural want of it, and ends by rendering habitual a substitute nearly equivalent to the real virtue.
I think humor is important for all of us, and a great comedian is a great treasure.
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock. "
There is always some frivolity in excellent minds; they have wings to rise, but also stray.
