Top Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Mitch Hedberg Biography

Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery (including deadpan delivery). His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

555, Funny, Girl, Humor, Met, Number

I saw soda pop for $1. 20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"

Commitment, Funny, Humor, Looking, Packs, Sell

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

Building, Floor, Funny, Guy, Humor, Wrong

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of. . . cranium accessories!"

Earrings, Funny, Moving, Rude, Running, Said

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

Ant, Ants, Farms, Fellas, Grow, Grows

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Cube, Funny, Good Morning, Humor, Morning, Prolific

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Hungry, Know, Rice, Show, Shows, Want

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers. . . NOPE. . . we got spaghetti!

Cheeseburgers, Mcdonalds, Nope, Rebellious, Spaghetti, Want

I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no. " So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!

Funny, Hair, House, Humor, Liars, Place

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Belt, Down, Funny, Hero, Real

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

Duplication, Ending, Free, Funny, Humor, Men

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

Cologne, Fajita, Funny, Humor, Sizzlin, Smell

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

Arrows, Come, Funny, Humor, Make, Shiny

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

Amazing, Cloud, Clouds, Wrong

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Funny, Humor, Roommate, Signed, Wrote, Years

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

Bite, Cheese, Miss, Missing, Rip, Swiss

I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"

Drove, Funny, Like, Silly, True, Writing

I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure. " I was so excited.

Becoming, Becoming One, Comedian, Couple, Times, Whole

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. " Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"

Attach, Funny, Humor, Make, Mean

I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

Baby, Book, Cast, Children, Name

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