I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess,. . . back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather. . . I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.
Humor was another of the soul's weapons in the fight for self-preservation.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
To mistrust science and deny the validity of the scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You'd better go look for work as a plant or wild animal.
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
Laughter, and the broader category of humor, are key elements in helping us go on with our life after a loss.
I've come to realize that you're going to get criticized no matter what. Somebody will always hate what you write, especially if you write humor for a fairly broad audience. Somebody will always find it not funny and declare you're not funny anymore. And sometimes people are just crazy.
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
The three ingredients of a successful union between two. . . humor, commitment & undying love.
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Well, evolution's just a theory. ' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law. '
A fart is just your arse applauding.
I really hate sitcoms on television with canned laughter and stuff. What really makes me laugh is the real-life stuff. I've got a dry sense of humor.
Another day gone and no jokes.
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!