Top Lewis Black Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Lewis Black Biography

Lewis Niles Black (born August 30, 1948) is an American stand-up comedian, author, playwright, social critic and actor. He is best known for his angry demeanour and belligerent comedic style, in which he often simulates having a mental breakdown. His comedy routines often escalate into angry rants about history, politics, religion, or any other cultural trends. He hosted the Comedy Central series Lewis Black's Root of All Evil and makes regular appearances on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah delivering his "Back in Black" commentary segment, which he has been doing since The Daily Show was hosted by Craig Kilborn.

Read about Lewis Black in Wikipedia

Random Authors

Lewis Black Quotes

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

Basically, Kept, Stage, Yelled, Yelling

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

Crap, Funny, Humor, Swimming, Year

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

Funny, Humor, Missing, Room, Seriously, Week

I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know - I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and there on one corner was a Starbucks, and across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, there was - a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. That there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks - and that, my friends, is the end of the universe.

Block, Eye, Houston, Playing, Texas, Thinking

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

Ass, Drink, Funny, Garden, Humor, Scientists

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

Compare, Hanukkah, Holiday, Notebook, School

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

Endless, Facebook, Life, Living My Life, People, Post

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes. " "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person. " "Well, you look like a person. " "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Clearly, Funny, Humor, Man, Men, Trust

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

Life, Lying, President, Tell, Waiting

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things. . . since the dawn of civilisation

Civilisation, Dawn, Eating, Turns, Wrong

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.

Hitler, Mother, Mustache, Teresa

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

College, Dad, Dads, Kids, Say

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.

Bag, Funny, Inspirational, Know, Squeeze, Travel

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

Country, Manner, People, Responsible, Way

People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!

Funny, Hotel, Humor, Like, Nice, Thing

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president. '

Birther, Donald, President, Republican, Running

Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.

Adam, Divorce, God, Hate, Men

I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb. ' 'There's no bomb. ' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it.

14Th, Doors, New York, Station, Years, York

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

Concerned, Mouth, Mouths, Pork, Too Much

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.

Bottles, Continue, Offshore, People, Play

1