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Emo Philips Biography

Emo Philips (born Phil Soltanek; February 7, 1956) is an American comedian. Much of his stand-up comedy makes use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice. The confused, childlike delivery of his material produces the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the "wisdom of children" or the idiot savant.

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Emo Philips Quotes

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Funny, God, Hilarious, Humorous, Way, Work

When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.

Attack, Car, Father, Heart, Inheritance, System

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Button, Catholic, Funny, Gave, Humor, Lint

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

Bagels, Complained, Faults, Home, Said

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

Concept, Gift, Monotheism, Thinking, Whole

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense. . . But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible. . . Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw. . . Yeah, OK, OK!

Boone, Church, Mean, Possible, Religious, Sunday

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Barstool, Hopping, Lucky, Night, Trying, Under

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Men, Play, Chess, Park, Although

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

Car, Day, Illinois, Police

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany. . . After, I'm guessing, amnesia.

Days, Germany, Guessing, Happy, Saint

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

Giving, Hope, Love, Panic, Stalk

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Involve, Magic, Spell, Theory, Two

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

Evolution, Good, Swimmer, Thanks, Used

I've been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

Enjoys, Gynecologists, Patient, Proverbial, Violating, Years

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Children, Days, Factories, Funny, Humorous, Worked

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

Bad, Life, Rich, Stinking, Three, Two

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

Block, Gardening, Myth, Suffering

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

Funny, Humor, Cds, Urologist, 1985, German

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

Friend, Growing, Growing Up, Imaginary Friend, Kids, Relationship

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

Funny, Humor, Illinois, Moved, Ten

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