Top Steven Wright Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Steven Wright Biography

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

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Steven Wright Quotes

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

Brought, Funny, Humor, Lane, Mirrors, Told

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store. . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store. "

Across, Everything, Funny, Hall, Humor, Money

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Funny, Humor, Operated, People, Trap

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Brother, Funny, Looking, Run, Running, Twins

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Funny, Inspirational, Men, Women, Woods, Wrong

I washed mud off of mud.

Funny, Humor, Mud, Washed

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Adopted, Darwin, Funny, Science, Theory, Theory Of Evolution

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Bird, Came, Funny, Humor, Know, Seed

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Business, Clever, Funny, Jet, Soar, Weasels

Today I dialed a wrong number. . . The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?". . . They said, "Uh. . . I don't think so. . . he's only 2 months old. " I said, "I'll wait. "

Funny, Humor, Thinking, Think, Number, Person

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

Arms, Snakes, Vests, Wear

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

Baby, Coincidence, Day, Life, Thinking, Years

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.

Doe, Feeling, Feelings, Interesting, Word, Words

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

Car, Look, Looks, Lost, Science, Time

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Funny, Kill, Life, Nobel, Peace, Prize

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

Alone, Fell, Forest, Forests, Tree, Walking

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Drinking, Food, Funny, Health, Job, Jobs

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

Fall, Falling, Funny, Humor, Sky, Tipping

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Everything, Funny, Humor, Life, Obviously, Overlooked

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

Glasses, Part, Referring, Trust, Two, Water

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