He treats me like the dirt under my feet.
The great commander, who seemed by expression of his visage to be always on the look-out for something in the extremest distance, and to have no ocular knowledge of anything within ten miles, made no reply whatever.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop
I hate people who cry around me. I'm not friends with them anymore. Especially girls. Cuz girls are crying all the time. It's like, 'Shut up. '
If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
As young as I look, I think it will still be funny if I played a person who's kind of tortured and hates his life. Kind of like a Larry David-type thing.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. . . And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ours is a society in which secrets of private life that, formerly, you would have given nearly anything to conceal, you now clamor to get on a television show to reveal.
Americans in particular are myopic. They're not traveling as much. When you were a college student, the next thing you would do on graduation was to take a year off and travel. That's what I did. I went to Indonesia.
If the quarterback throws the ball in the endzone and the wide receiver catches it, it's a touchdown.
There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "
To be a successful father. . . there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
The motion picture Deadpool was my favorite funny movie of [2016]. Something that I could just watch over and over again, because it's just so. . . he says so many things.
One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have.
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
