Some men are like musical glasses; to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet.
It’s funny to hear priests and nuns argue with each other.
I started getting fan notes from people saying, "Oh, keep up the mess-ups," and I'm thinking, "I'm not doing it deliberately. This is just who I am. " But people thought it was funny. I guess if you're watching and you see that I could do it, maybe it gives hope that anybody can do it.
This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, 'I know you. You're that wee golfer, aren't you?' I say, 'Yeah, that's me. ' They say, 'Keep it up, wee man. ' It's very funny and that's why I want to stay here as long as possible.
For years I used to bore my wife over lunch with stories about funny incidents.
So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
I've seen people who are not very likeable but hilarious. I think comedians get to a point where they know they're funny, so they don't care - in the sense that they know what they're doing. They have a skill.
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
I was deluding myself that the song was almost not important, but I think the real thing that was happening was almost like self-hypnosis or mediation. The guitar lick was the transcendental key that unlocked my brain. It freed me. And then it all became easy. It's funny now, because I've had times when it wasn't easy.
Whatever advice you give, be short.
Well, first you have to be very, very funny. I have realized that it is essential for a boy to be funny. Otherwise, what is the point in a boy?
I was an only child, eventually.
We've put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.
I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.
The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.