Top George Carlin Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

George Carlin Biography

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic.

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George Carlin Quotes

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

Dying, Okay, People, Probably, Stupid

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

Suicide, Commit, Ifs, Depended, Life

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Funny, Happens, Humor, Penny, Thoughts, Two

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Funny, Humor, Machines, Braille, Bank

In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.

Buttons, Give, Giving, Leave, Together

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.

Injure, Moral, Moral Fiber, People, Think, Thinking

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

Buddy, Choices, Giving, People, Question

If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough.

Drug, Enough, Going For It, Self, Tell

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

Beautiful, Music, Night, Orchestra, Symphony

Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. ’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

Alzheimer'S, Brain, Devils, Idle, Let, Names

Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there's no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick!

America, Cancer, Drugs, Homelessness, Money, War

I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I don't belong to it. When you "belong" to something. You want to think about that word, "belong. " People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don't care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can't quite pin down.

Mean, Part, People, Show, Thinking, Word

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

Death, Owns, Property, Stupid, Suicide, Theft

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.

Instead, Light, Lights, Satisfied, Shoes, Tennis

If there were only one cherry pie in the world, and Bill Clinton owned it, I might get a piece of it. If Bush or Reagan owned it, you'd have to kill them to get a piece of pie. That's my feeling about Bill. And Bill's a good bullshitter. America likes a good bullshitter. That's one of the reasons he was re-elected. Honesty has no place in politics. It would throw everything off.

America, Clinton, Honesty, Pie, Reasons

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

Barbara, Douchebag, Douchebags, Remember, Silver

Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.

Forest, Giving, Money, Rain, Swamps, Wetlands

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away. . . and you don't know what time it is?

Away, Know, Knows, Looks, Time, Watches

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Genuine, Impatient, Says, Wonder

So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one: "Civil War. " Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me?" (shoots gun) "I'm awfully sorry. Awfully sorry. "

Constitution, Country, Course, Philosophy, Sorry

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George Carlin Biography

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