George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic.
There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
Life is a near-death experience.
Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.
I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. They want your f**kin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street.
Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got. . because the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now. . the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners.
There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
Because Brenda [Carlin] had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for her, bottom was an automobile accident that almost landed her in jail.