George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.
As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.
There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.
Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did.
Does killing time damage eternity?
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
Someone once said, if you scratch a cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist. That really rang a bell with me - because I recognized that, within me, there is this flame, of wishing it were better, wishing people had better lives, that there was more of an authentic sharing and harmony with nature.