George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.
The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. They want your f**kin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators. >>.
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes. . . dies.
Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian. ' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
Religion is just mind control.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.