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George Carlin Biography

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic.

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George Carlin Quotes

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Earthquakes, Would Be, Stores, Place, Safest, Stationary

The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.

Automatic, Banding, Issues, Right, Together, Wings

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

American, Believe, Call, Dream, Funny, Sarcastic

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

Giving, Bullshit, Voting, Hitler, Give

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months. ' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Baby, Fine, Funny, Hear, Place, Two

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

Added, Living, Make, Paradox, Years

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Funny, Future, Humor, Immediate, Present

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

Cat, Happy, Leg, Party, Stupid

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

Dying, Okay, People, Probably, Stupid

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

Air, Exactly Is, Mid, Midair, Part

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand. "

America, Children, Herd, Nike, Tattoo

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.

America, Born, Front, Notebook, Notebooks, World

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Back, Boards, Drawing, Invented, Invention

My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.

Alcohol, Father, Leave, Trouble

I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet.

Childlike, Innocent, Sweet, Things

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

Holiday, Observed, Stupid, Wednesdays, Weekend, Wind

Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.

Bees, Snails, Tree, Whales

We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.

Landscape, Language, Think, Thinking, Thought

You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

Cocksucker, Fruit, Guatemala, Show, Tropical

Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did.

Across, Bringing, Different, Having, People, Quality

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George Carlin Biography

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