George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows; there's just nothing special about their content.
I'm a believer that things happen. Fate is what happens.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.
If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?
You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.