George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic.
Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
I saw Danny Kaye in a movie, and he was doing voices and faces on that big, big screen and making whole audiences laugh. It was just an instant hookup.
So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.
The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind
Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news.
My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves.
I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.
Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.
When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests.
Pardon me I've got nothing to say.
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. . See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I don't belong to it. When you "belong" to something. You want to think about that word, "belong. " People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don't care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can't quite pin down.