George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic.
Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll. "
Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down.
Religion is like a pair of shoes. . . . . Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood - the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.
I'm sure Hitler was great with his family.
The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
Most people are not particularly good at anything.
Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3. 4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
There's a part of me that is angry. Not in the sense of, "Gee, George is an angry guy!" I mean, anyone who's been with me five minutes, five years, whatever, they would tell you they've rarely seen me in a moment of anger. Yes, I can become highly irritated in a line that's moving slowly, or with a clerk who's incompetent. But I don't yell. I don't get rude. I am clear about what I expect. In a store, my mother always told me, "Ask for the manager immediately. It changes the tone of the conversation. "
Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself. '