George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic.
It was just a compulsion. In fact, I soon realized that the only thing I really enjoyed was the actual snorting.
Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.
You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. . . . It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space.
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations and the profit motive - those two factors have, in my opinion, brought us to the point where almost nothing can stop the utter destruction of the environment and all our earthly life-support systems.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Hard work is for people short on talent.
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.
For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.