If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed
He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.
God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me. "
Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
There is properly no history, only biography.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.
Life is funny. Life isn’t categorized into comedy, drama, action, is it?So I don’t know why they try to categorize everything. It drives me crazy-why it would have to be just a romantic comedy or…I want to have a little integrity, a little story, you know
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
I think all good drama is funny. All the best drama is ultimately very funny. Life is funny. You can't have any honest treatise on life without bumping into some humor.
Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.
What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.
