Top W. C. Fields Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

W. C. Fields Biography

William Claude Dukenfield (January 29, 1880 – December 25, 1946), better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler and writer. Fields' comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist, who remained a sympathetic character despite his snarling contempt for dogs and children.

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W. C. Fields Quotes

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

Cents, Game, Games, Shells, Town, United States

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

Bible, Book, Deathbed, Discovered, Lifetime, Reading

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Brilliance, Bull, Bulls, Dazzle, Witty

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Float, Life, Remember, Risk, Swimming, Upstream

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

Die, Dies, Having, Necessary, Sex

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

Lib, Lines, Remember, Would Be

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

Found, Premise, Scripts, Set, Writing

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

Chess, Thing, World, Worst

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

Brother, Elwood, Giant, Giants, World

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Barbell, Line, Lines, Men, Single, Suffering

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

Boy, Boys, Circus, Drinking, Headache, Two

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

Cost Of Living, Dollars, Gone, Race, Survive, Two

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Chump, Giving, Honest, Men, Smarten, Uncles

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

Business, Construed, Insult, Race, Sucker, Years

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

Bend, Break, Funnier, Things

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

Anymore, Drink, Drinking, Hand, Hands

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

Beautiful, Funny, General, Humorous, President

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Breakfast, Comedy, Drink

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Indecision, Indecisive, Used

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

Claiming, Days, People, Race, Tattooed, Tree

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