I received my undergraduate degree in engineering in 1939 and a Master of Science degree in mathematical physics in 1941 at Steven Institute of Technology.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm. . . I actually. . . never mind"
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.
The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.
The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.
There are not that many people who know how to edit. It's a funny tiny little obscure talent but it's very special. You have to have the feeling of popular taste.
Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks--it says, Goodbye.
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.
If you have a character that doesn't have anything wrong with him, there's nothing funny about it.
It is easy to be beautiful; it is difficult to appear so.
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.