If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
Most people think that aging is irreversible and we know that there are mechanisms even in the human machinery that allow for the reversal of aging, through correction of diet, through anti-oxidants, through removal of toxins from the body, through exercise, through yoga and breathing techniques, and through meditation.
When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny.
Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.
The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a more polite word for all and sundry.
I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.
I'm for whatever gets you through the night
It's very funny to see a Justin Bieber song done by a bunch of grown men.
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.
Shirley and Griffey get along like a rattler and a parrot.
It is not an easy thing to inflate a dog.
It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U. S. and Raisa's VISA card bill would shatter the fragile Soviet economy.
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.