Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
When you're a woman, you have to work harder to get a laugh. . . I follow so many hilarious women on Twitter. It's a daily reminder that women get to be funny.
While I'm trying to be a villain, Tyler Posey's just making me break character all the time. It's hilarious.
I find Lady Gaga hilarious. And I kind of like her. My heart's warmed to her.
All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
Pretty sad. Pretty lonely. But that's how I prefer it? I quess? I guess. It's a good guess. It's the best quess ever.
There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
Thou art a very ragged Wart.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
If you're not fascinated by Korea yet, you damn well should be. The most innovative country on earth deserves a hilarious and poignant account on the order of Euny Hong's The Birth of Korean Cool. Her phat beats got Gangnam Style and then some.
I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.