Top Jerry Seinfeld Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Jerry Seinfeld Biography

Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (/ˈsaɪnfɛld/; SYN-feld, born April 29, 1954) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is widely known for playing himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. As a stand-up comedian, Seinfeld specializes in observational comedy; in 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld the "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time."

Read about Jerry Seinfeld in Wikipedia

Random Authors

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

Bother, Impression, Years

Success is the enemy of comedy.

Comedy, Enemy, Success

I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.

Essay, Essays, Knows, Maybe, Questions, Wells

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.

Blessing, Comfortable, Life Is, Torture

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

Average, Greatest Fear, Having, People, Speech, Stand

Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me.

Everybody, Lunch, Meditation, Survived, Years

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

Feelings, People, Position, Unfortunate

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.

Big, Dating, Seconds, Sorry, Stinks, Thinking

There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.

Energy, Life, Person, Persons, Power

I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.

Air, Bridges, Car, Like, Entertainment, Final

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Good, Laughing, Laughs, Team, Two, Unless

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

Bodies, Funny, Inspirational, Motivational, Scared, Spiders

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

Boy, Boys, Kids, Kill, Missing, Toys

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

Doctors, Front, Maturity, Ride, Ripping, Thinking

I was the best man at the wedding. . . If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

Man, Marrying, Men, Wedding

I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.

Show, Shows, Somebody, Talk, Want

Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.

Friendship, Ifs, Save, Sex, Wells

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly. "

Order, Pays, Sorry, Takes, Thinking, Waiter

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

Doing You, Everybody, Potato Chips, See, Television

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is. . . trapped.

Audience, Old, Theater, Theaters, Trapped

1