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Civilization rests on two things: the discovery that fermentation produces alcohol, and the voluntary ability to inhibit defecation. And I put it to you, where would this splendid civilization be without both?

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Jerry Seinfeld

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is. . . trapped.

Audience, Old, Theater, Theaters, Trapped
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Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Birthday, Epic, Freedom, Funny, Men, Thing

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

Expands, Fame, Joke, Possibility, Want, Work

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Funny, Humorous, Music, Shower, Thanks

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Deserve, Hilarious, Lied, Lying, People, Tabloids

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Failure, Head, Keep, Not Giving Up, Success
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