Is this chicken or is this fish?
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Normal people with normal problems can be hilarious.
I have 40-something intros [that Davis Jr. did]; all are different, none of them happened. And it was hilarious.
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
I sometimes have birthday parties for the kids in my neighborhood and then pretend to suggest that I am going to molest them to the parents. It's a hilarious prank even though I am not a paedophile.
Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.
Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.
I would love to work with Kristin Wiig one day. I find her hilarious, and I totally idolize her.
I figured if I could put together being funny about stuff and actual events, maybe I could do something that wasn't being done much. Because the reporters that I met out there were funny, and they had hilarious stories that just didn't fit in the APUPINew York Times foreign-correspondent style. They couldn't use the things they had. But I could.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.
What I really want to do is to write a hilarious farce.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.