There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
When I was born. . . the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father. . . I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. . . but he pulled through.
I think god gave us talent because he screwed up our hair
If anybody is a master at improvisation, it would be Ken Jeong. He is hilarious.
Steve Buscemi is hilarious. He's really, really good with improv.
When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!
This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
[Ryan Reynolds] is my favorite [ on Top Gear] - I think he's the most hilarious actor who just has not been able to catch a break in terms of being known as the most hilarious actor.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.
Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they're seeing?
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Solitude is rich but seldom hilarious.
I still love her. But she's retarded, too.
I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.