Top Milton Berle Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Milton Berle Biography

Milton Berle (born Mendel Berlinger; July 12, 1908 – March 27, 2002) was an American comedian and actor. Berle’s career as an entertainer spanned over 80 years, first in silent films and on stage as a child actor, then in radio, movies and television. As the host of NBC's Texaco Star Theater (1948–55), he was the first major American television star and was known to millions of viewers as "Uncle Miltie" and "Mr. Television" during TV's golden age.

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Milton Berle Quotes

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

Attached, Bayonet, Christmas, Rocket, Scary, War

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

Funny, Gets, Jobs, Notify, Witty, Writes

Radio. . . that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people. . . who fortunately can't reach me.

Fortunately, Invention, People, Radio, Wonderful

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

Hurt, Teaching, Curves, Curve, Schoolteacher

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Christmas, Dollars, Item, Real, Ten

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

Doctors, Help, Helping, House, Patients, Stopped

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Good, Husband, Love, Marriage, Wife

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Real, Stamp, Thinking, Valentine, Wife

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

Answers, Down, Fall, Falls, Men, Missing

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

Christmas, Four, Hair, Long, Party

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Christmas, Coat, Payment, Twenties, Wife

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

Christmas, Department, Kids, Local, Store, Two

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

Accountant, Dollars, Million, Retirement, Shy, Teacher

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for. "If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

Attitude, Mom, Moment, Mother, Punishing

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

Age, Born, Drug, Wonder

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

Asking, Car, Hills, Man, Men, Nice

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Christmas, Hard, Ones, Real, Tree

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

Brother, Littles, Noticed, Told, Work, Worry

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift. "

Answered, Christmas, Department, Gadgets, Gift, Saws

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

Break, Candy, Piece, Pieces, Valentine

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