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Frank Carson Biography

Hugh Francis "Frank" Carson KSG (6 November 1926 – 22 February 2012) was an Irish comedian and actor, best known on television in series such as The Comedians and Tiswas. He was a member of the entertainment charity the Grand Order of Water Rats.

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Frank Carson Quotes

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

Birth, Funny, Humor, Husband, Know, Wife

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Funny, Humor, Men, Said, Sauce, Sprinkles

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson. " When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it. "

Air, Asked, Carson, Funny, Hear, Humor

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours. " I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas. "

Asked, Funny, Humor, Keeps, Octopus, Waiter

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

British, Funny, Humor, Nuisance, Rang, Telecom

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

Family, Funny, Humor, Musician, Sewing, Singer

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

Inspirational, Likes, Marriage, Think, Wedding, Wife

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous. "

Asked, Dining, Funny, Humor, Men, Said

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages. "

Covered, Funny, Glass, Humor, Man, Men

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Difference, Differences, Funny, Humor, Negotiate, Wife

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

Happen, Irishmen, Passing, Pub, Pubs, Two

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

Door, Doors, Funny, Humor, Robe, Staying

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

Bus, Funny, Homeless, Humor, Know

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

East, House, Ideas, Middle, People

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

Differences, Finish, Funny, Humor, Let, Peeing

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

Ate, Father, Funny, Pigeon, War, World

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Door, Doors, Fart, Funny, Humor, Work

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner. "

Corner, Funny, Humor, Said, Shoes

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

Laughing, Occurred, People, Worry

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

Funny, Help, Humor, Shop, Way

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Frank Carson Biography

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