I come from Main Street, from a small town that's really depressed.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp. " The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps. " He says: "There's one in the window. "
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals. . . she has NEXT written on her knickers.
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson. " When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it. "
They are each good when they are out, and each bad when they are in.
The more a person seeks security, the more that person gives up control over his life.
I think one of the problems in determining the ending for a television series is that you don't know how long the show is gonna last. Particularly because we were in the unique position of adapting Tom's Perrotta novel The Leftovers, it always felt like the first season was gonna end with the end of Tom's novel, and then we would figure things out from there and look back.
He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head.