Everyone expects me to do certain things.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp. " The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps. " He says: "There's one in the window. "
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals. . . she has NEXT written on her knickers.
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson. " When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it. "
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
If I can create something that allows a woman to feel better - that is the true reward.
I argue against literal interpretation of religious doctrines. Religions make progress when they emancipate themselves from literalism, and take their doctrinal statements to be metaphors or allegories.
I associate going to an airport with work because I travel so much with my job. So when I have a few days free from work, I tend to stay at home.
I get up in the morning and I put on makeup and then I say somebody else's words in someone else's clothes, and then I go home and watch TV, have a glass of whisky and go to bed. And I'm overcompensated for that. So it's insane to not use that pedestal to try and at least help someone or something that's in need.