Without thinking, [Will] spoke. 'Halt? Are you awake?' 'No. ' The ill humor in the one-word reply was unmistakable. 'Oh. Sorry. ' 'Shut up. ' He pondered whether to apologize again and decided this would go against the instruction to shut up, so remained silent.
it is not every tourist who bubbles over with mirth, and that unquenchable spirit of humor which turns a trial into a blessing.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
Humor is an excellent method of keeping a tight rein on unproductive displays of emotion.
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.
When you lose the power to laugh, you lose your power to think straight.
I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars.
Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"
It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time. . . and last night, all those people were at my show.
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping. " All right, perfect. '
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
The tragedy of growing old is not that one is old but that one is young.
I can see how it might be possible for a man to look down upon the earth and be an atheist, but I cannot conceive how a man could look up into the heavens and say there is no God.
Great use they have, when in the hands Of one like me, who understands, Who understands the time and place, The person, manner, and the grace, Which fools neglect; so that we find, If all the requisites are join'd, From whence a perfect joke must spring, A joke's a very serious thing.
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.