Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Competition is the death of art.
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 247.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.
When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.