Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 247.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.