Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
That which does not kill you isn't finished.
Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.