Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.
One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.
If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.