Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
That which does not kill you isn't finished.
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.
For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!