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Dana Gould Biography

Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.

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Dana Gould Quotes

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

Away, Joy, Jumping, Old, Point, School

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Born, Cauldron, Dysfunction, Emotional, Tampons

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Gas, Home, Pilots, Realized, Rope

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Bigs, Difference, Differences, Pole, Polls, Workers

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

Feels, Good, Good Place, People, Twitter

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Defensiveness, People, Sarcasm, Thinking

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Botched, Dyslexics, Murder, Performed, Suicide, Suicides

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Dog, Keeps, Pork, Secret, Soul

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

After Death, Bigs, Born Again, Deal, Life, Live

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

Felt, Motions, Swimming, Synchronized, Time

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

Douchebag, Douchebags, Encounter, Encounters, Odds, Pronounces

You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.

Challenge, Challenges, Fans, Obligation, Viewers

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Bow, Chaps, Cowboy, Men, Rough, Suits You

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Apologizing, Know, Love, Mean, Sorry

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Baby, Clothes, Giant, Jobs, Nice, Time

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Alzheimer'S, Everything, Forget Everything, Grudge, Irish, Know

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Die, Hoping, Know, Knows, Thinking, Used

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Animal, Halloween, Sacrifice

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

Dog, Dogs, Look, People, Phones

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Apes, Atm, Cash, Doe, Lived, Used

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Dana Gould Biography

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