Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M. A. N. D. Y. : My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
Being funny is not the same as being happy.
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.
I'm of the generation of kids where the G. I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
Why do old people drive with their mouths open?