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Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.

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Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence. . . sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Evil, Funny, Humor, Incompetence, Post, Sort
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Fifty, Funny, Gonna, Humor, Thought, Today

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

Beach, Bottles, Glasses, Sign, Thinking

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

Confident, Earth, Purpose, Taken

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

10000, Friend, Funny, Looks, Plastic, Surgery

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Life, Pleased, Reality, Say, Won, Wrestling
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