We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays.
If the internet has taught us anything, it's that you want less news and more cats.
A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.
Scientists have determined that the most irritating sound to the human ear is the sound of a knife cutting a glass bottle. And the second-worst sound is a fork scratching a glass bottle. Evidently they did all their research at the Picnic for Morons.
Ben & Jerry's ice cream will try to make some marijuana ice cream, resulting in thousands of people simultaneously getting and curing ice cream headaches.
NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses.
On Valentine's Day, couples in Calgary can celebrate their love for each other with couples' nude yoga - great way to get in shape and see a side of your partner you've never seen before and never want to see again.
Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.
Chastity is the cement of civilization and progress. Without it there is no stability in society, and without it one cannot attain the Science of Life.
To admit ignorance is to exhibit wisdom.
As a composer you want to tell musicians two completely contradictory things. You want to say, "Play exactly what I wrote, but bring your own thing to it. " In a lot of ways they feel like opposites, but in a sense, my job is to cajole or encourage decisions that I approve of.