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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face. ' I said, 'You'll be sorry. ' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well. '

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Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge. . . you can't hear him talk.

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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring. . . 'How to Build a Boat. '

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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. . . I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

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