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Girls," their mother interjected, "you must both stop being strange - it is unattractive. And don't forget your hats. It would be absolutely the end for me if you two came down with freckles at a time like this.

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Daniel Tosh

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Answers, Happiness, Homeless, Money, Riddle, Seen
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I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'. . . If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

Boxer, Gosh, Hurt, Know, Mom, Sports

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Likes, Puppets, Sock

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

Bathroom, Bathrooms, Gay, Girl, Zero

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Charger, Iphone, Jobs, Long

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

Dies, Life, Screws, Virgins
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