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The gilded sheath of pity sometimes covers the dagger of envy.

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Ray Romano

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

Funny, Kings, Marriage, Married, Stay
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I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

Get Money, Loan, Register, Somehow, Student, Students

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

Balance, Balances, Comedy, Drama

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again. " Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).

Baby, Children, Funny, Sex, Wake

Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly.

Fruit Flies, Helping, Helps, Life, Littles, Mantra

You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

Believe, Cow, Exaggeration, Living, Thinking, Years
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