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If I could write the beauty of your eyes And in fresh numbers number all your graces, The age to come would say, 'This poet lies; Such heavenly touches ne'er touch'd earthly faces. '

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Tina Fey

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

Friday, Funny, Instead, Orgy, Sex
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Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

Achieving, Athlete, Eye, Girl, Gym, Look

If you ever start to feel good about yourself. . . . . . . they have this thing called the internet.

About Yourself, Feel Good, Internet, Start, Thing

And I can see Russia from my house.

House, Russia, Saturday Night Live, See

Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing!

Arms, Like, Rocks, Weak, Years

Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

Careers, Obstacles, Problem, Questions, Solution, Witty
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