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People were not charmed with Eglantine because she herself was charming, but because she was charmed.

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Emo Philips

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know. . . You break it, you buy it.

Grandmother, Jobs, Kid, Kids, Raise, Replacement
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Fifty, Funny, Gonna, Humor, Thought, Today

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

Beach, Bottles, Glasses, Sign, Thinking

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

Confident, Earth, Purpose, Taken

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

10000, Friend, Funny, Looks, Plastic, Surgery

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Life, Pleased, Reality, Say, Won, Wrestling
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