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If there is excitement in their lives, it is contained in the figures on the profit and loss sheet. What an indictment.

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Jay Mohr

It doesn't hurt my voice or anything because some impressions tear my throat apart. [Christophen] Walken is easy; I can do it in my sleep. They all know it by heart. I did it on The Simpsons. I'm surprised that people still want to hear it.

Apart, Easy, Hear, Heart, Hurt, Sleep
Same Author Quotes

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.

Acted, Assholes, Deals, Life, Like, Perception

You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes. " That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a "joke thief," I just tell them to come to one of my shows.

Accusing, Accusing Me, People, Shows, Thieves, Watching

What I've realized in the last year, 80% of my act has already happened to me, and it's not until you retell the story at a party or to a friend or it comes up on the podcast that you, I don't know why I'm not doing that onstage!

Happened, Party, Realized, Stories, Years

You don't have to be Willy Loman about it. But, "Airline food is crazy. Hey, what's with these rent-a-cars?" or you go up and talk about how Christopher Walken wanted to know where my dog's tail went. That really happened to me.

Airline, Car, Crazy, Dog, Loman, Walken

I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, [George] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, the order.

Construction, Language, Order, Telling, Whole
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