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The only thing growing faster than the federal government's deficit is Chris Matthews' man-crush on Barack Obama.

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Jay Mohr

What I've realized in the last year, 80% of my act has already happened to me, and it's not until you retell the story at a party or to a friend or it comes up on the podcast that you, I don't know why I'm not doing that onstage!

Happened, Party, Realized, Stories, Years
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I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.

Acted, Assholes, Deals, Life, Like, Perception

You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes. " That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a "joke thief," I just tell them to come to one of my shows.

Accusing, Accusing Me, People, Shows, Thieves, Watching

You don't have to be Willy Loman about it. But, "Airline food is crazy. Hey, what's with these rent-a-cars?" or you go up and talk about how Christopher Walken wanted to know where my dog's tail went. That really happened to me.

Airline, Car, Crazy, Dog, Loman, Walken

I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, [George] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, the order.

Construction, Language, Order, Telling, Whole

There is a ceiling to it and there's a stigma. Billy Crystal as brilliant as he is, he's never going to be thought of as a contemporary like Alan Arkin.

Billy, Brilliant, Ceilings, Contemporary, Crystals, Like
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